he was CRYING into my vagina
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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