i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
