Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
