I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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