maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
