hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
