I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
