I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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