i'm signing you up for texting rehab
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
