By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
