When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
