Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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