i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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