One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
