let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
