when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
