I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
