apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
