My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
