Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
