sarcasm needs its own font
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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