I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
