What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
