On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
