my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
