ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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