he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
