Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
