Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
