Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
