Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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