Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
