You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
