I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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