I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Randomize
