this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Green mimosas i think yes
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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