My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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