I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
