You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
