she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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