these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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