i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
the day after is always just damage control
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize