Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
