I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
