I wish I could teleport
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
you had me at cake vodka
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
