Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
