if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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