I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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