At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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