My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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