i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
