I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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