How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
