please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Is it penis luge time yet?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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