there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
