I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
