i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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