Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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